Mr Cow meets Hermione Granger
by BananaSherbet and TigerFairy
Summary: An insane fic written under the influence of the imperial Mr Cow. Sequel coming soon!
1. Default Chapter Title

Once upon a time there lived a cow.

His name was *pause*........ Mr Cow.

One day, Mr Cow went to sleep.

He had a very interesting dream.

It was about *pause*...............

A lovely girl with bushy brown hair and wierd teeth. She was frolicking in a meadow full of yellow buttercups and she was singing "Tiptoe Through The Tulips" in a high, out of tune, soprano voice. She was dressed in a flowing Hogwarts uniform and as the wind blew her hair gently back, he could hear it whisper the word, _"Hermione"_. 

Mr Cow awoke to the sound of bluebirds chirping in the trees outside his window. He jumped up and quickly ran outside and looked around for the mysterious girl known as "Hermione".

Suddenly, he saw an owl flying toward him.

Mr Cow was very afraid of owls. He mooed terrifiedly and ran away. But the owl followed him into the depths of the Deep Dark Woods, which had conveniently appeared in front of him so we could have a scary scene.

The woods were very dark and full of scary things, like wolves howling, unidentified humanoids cackling evilly, and bats making bat-noises, if bats make noises at all.

Mr Cow reached a dead end. He was trapped. *da da dan!* The owl came closer and closer, until finally, Mr Cow shrieked, "are you coming on to me?"

The owl said, "hoot" and dropped a letter at his feet.

Mr Cow picked it up warily, fearing what it might contain.

He opened it, hoping for his very first love letter.

* * * *

Hermione Granger awoke to a fine Saturday morning, anticipating the day's events. A special guest of Professor Dumbledore was coming to the school. His name was Mr Cow. What a funny name, thought Hermione absently as she got dressed for the day. She thought back to her dream she had had that night. It was about a very handsome purple cow.

Hermione went down to the common room to find Shirley, a very evil H/H shipper, standing blocking her path to her boyfriend Ron Weasley who was standing at the other side of the common room. "Get out of the way, you bitch!" she said.

"Never!" said Shirley and she cackled evilly.

"In that case, I will have to kill you!" said Hermione, and she pulled out her wand and said, "Avada Kedavra!" Shirley slumped to the floor, dead. Hermione calmly put her wand back in her robes and went down to breakfast with Ron, however her thoughts were on the wonderful cow that had appeared in her dreams.

Shirley magically came back to life and said "damn you Madi!!!!! gggrrrrr...I'll have kill you now too, you evil evil R/H person. Die you mortal!! Die!!! (btw...Madi is sitting safely (safe... but for how long??) next to me a laughing and spitting on me as we write this. As you can see, she's very unhygenic..). Shirley marched down to the great hall with a wand that she found somewhere and killed Ron as well as Madi. But sadly, both of them come back to life as we don't want anyone to die. awwwwww...

Ron said "Hermione, I'm sorry, it's OVER(for now)" and left, as this fic is about Hermione and Mr Cow. Don't they make a cute couple???

Madi and Shirley, bickering ceaselessly, went off to have a wizards' duel, but then decided that R/H and H/H were both wrong, and that the true match was Hermione/Mr Cow!! And they continued with the story...

* * * *

Meanwhile, Mr Cow was reading the letter. It was not, as he had hoped, a love letter. It was from Professor Dumbledore and it invited him to come to Hogwarts castle.

Suddenly Mr Cow had a thought, "hey, maybe I'll see this "Hermione chick", or is "she" a man????? duh duh duh... at Hogwarts! Yippee!" so he went to Hogwarts.

* * * *

Mr Cow said, "hmmmm", maybe I'd better drop by my good friend Professor Dumbledore before I get killed by the evil Lord Voldemort!"

Mr Cow quickly found Dumbledore's office, which was pretty incredible as he had never been there before. He opened the door and there he saw...

  
  
  
  


HAHAHAHAHA! A cliffhanger! Nee hee hee... read the next part IF YOU DARE!!

CLAIMER: WE OWN THE WHOLE DAMNED THING! NYAH HAH HAH!

Kidding. Don't sue.


	2. Default Chapter Title

A/N: Haha! You thought we'd given up, didn't you! You thought we'd never put up Part 2! Well, here it is, folks. Thanks to all who reviewed Part 1. This part has a little gay-ness in it, and Hermione meets Mr Cow and knows she's in love! Anyway! Disclaimer: We own nothing! This should be in humour but we put it in General 'cause nobody reads humour much. Kay, on with the story. ~Bananasherbet and TigerFairy

Mr Cow opened the door to Professor Dumbledore's office and there he saw Professor Dumbledore sitting a rocking chair by the fire reading _Pride and Prejudice_.

"Yes?" Professor Dumbledore said. Then he realised who his visitor was, and said in a delighted, high girlish voice, "Why, hello Mr Cow!" and he waved his hand in a gesture of greeting.

"Hello, Mr Dumbledore," said Mr Cow and he bowed low.

Professor Dumbledore stood up and curtseyed politely, blushing a bright and healthy red.

Mr Cow was quite alarmed, and wondered for a moment if Professor Dumbledore was going senile in his old age, but quickly put that thought out of his mind, and asked, "Now, Professor Dumbledore, what is the reason that you have asked me to stay?"

"Please, call me Albus," said Dumbledore, blushing again. "Anyway, I have invited you here for some extra security." he leaned forward and whispered confidentially "My sources tell me that Lord Voldemort is planning to attack Hogwarts!"

Mr Cow leaned back and gasped in shock!

"Yes, it's true," said Professor Dumbledore. "I need your help to block any attacks that Voldemort might be planning." 

"But how can I, your everyday simple purple cow, raised in the rustic pastures of Australia, help you?" said Mr Cow modestly.

"Why, it is very simple, really," smiled Professor Dumbledore, "all you have to do is walk down any corridor, and you squash all the people in your way. If I place you at the entrance of the school, you will be able to prevent any Death Eaters from entering!"

"By golly you're right!" exclaimed Mr Cow, banging his pudgy fist down hard on Professor Dumbledore's desk. "I will report to duty at once, Sir!" Mr Cow saluted and marched out of the room, leaving the room shaking dangerously. A few moments after he left, the ceiling cracked and a piece of plaster fell into Professor Dumbledore's beard.

*****

A few hours later, Hermione Granger was sitting with her friends Harry and Ron in the Great Hall eating dinner. Ron was trying to come on to Hermione, trying to get her back (but only because Shirley said so. {u realise that we wouldn't have to b having this convo if U *jabs finger in madi's face* weren't a r/h person. humph!!}). Because of his undeveloped flirting techniques, he only ended up giving Hermione wierd looks. Harry was laughing inconspicuoulsy at Ron.

At that moment, Neville Longbottom walked into the Hall with Parvati, who was trying to teach him how to strut properly. Ron turned around to wave to Neville, but as he raised his hand, he knocked over Hermione's goblet of pumpkin juice. The world froze; all eyes in the Great Hall were turned to Hermione's glass of pumpkin juice as they watched it shatter over Hermione's chestnut-brown-curly head...

_Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!_" Hermione's earsplitting scream rent the air. *note: this is in slow motion so her voice is really low.*

At that moment, a dark, slightly fat, purple figure appeared in the doorway and wobbled a little through the door.

Seeing the critical situation, the mysterious figure cleared the Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff and Slytherin tables in a series of death-defying leaps and causing many "oohs" and "aahs" from the students. 

He arrived at the Gryffindor table, and stood up grand and tall, his stomach wobbling a little.

He took an elaborate white lacy handkerchief from his pocket and offered it to a trembling Hermione.

"Why, why thankyou kind Sir!" simpered Hermione, "but-but who are you?"

Mr Cow said, "My name is Cow. Mr Cow," he bowed low, causing a slight ripping noise from the region of his backside. Hermione did not seem to notice this, however, and was gazing at Mr Cow in a way that made Ron feel very sick.

"Until next time, Fair Lady," and Mr Cow wobbled up to the head table to sit next to Professor Dumbledore, clutching his rear. 

"Wow!" said Hermione, putting her hand over her heart, "my hero!"

At that moment, Professor Dumbledore stood up and cleared his throat elaborately. "I am pleased to announce that we are holding a Ball in honour of our guest Mr Cow." Professor Dumbledore cleared his throat again. _Maybe he has a cold_, thought Hermione. "Most of you will already know that Mr Cow is here as my guest. However, you will not know the reason for his visit. He is here on a dangerous mission, to provide security for the castle against the attacks of Lord Voldemort."

The whole hall gasped collectively, then burst into applause.

Professor Dumbledore raised his goblet and said solemnly, "A toast to Mr Cow - our saviour!"


End file.
